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Wake up

I don't know where to start. I kinda just had this urge to throw down words somewhere and figured this would be the obvious place to do it. My other thought was to maybe draw something just to let my mind empty out onto paper. Though that probably wouldn't turn out too well. Anyways. Lately observations have been taking on a deeper sense of things. I can't describe it really but people have problems to say the least haha.

Oh the world we live in.

I wish they made band aids big enough to fix the things i see. Like last night while watching Lost at John's. You don't ever tell your girlfriend to shut the fuck up when you know deep down that it was the other person at fault. Period. It was rude and disrespectful and not to mention embarrassing since we were all sitting there. But she was just being a bitch right? So that makes it all better right? Uh huh.

Or the flip flopping of emotions towards people strictly based on that person's current emotional turmoil isn't the smartest thing either. You can't tell people you love them and then decide to go back to other person because that person is more deserving of your love now due to hardships they may be going through. Well honestly you shouldn't be so giving to people, as bad as that sounds. You aren't some messiah sent here to love everyone and to be the missing love in these people's lives. Love is something found, not given just because you feel for the person. That's just love out of pity.

Or the complete ignorance of people today. Like how the hell do you not know what Roswell was?

Like how do you live your life? It makes you wonder where people's minds are these days. Well i mean, i know where they are it's just disappointing is all. For the love of god if these so called "terrorists" actually existed, they should really start bombing our television networks so they can get rid of the real evil.

And people wonder why I say I don't take life seriously. It's a god damn joke. In the true essence of things I would say i'm doing pretty damn well for myself right now. But taken by societies standards of living I'm the lowest of low. They're dealing me the Go Directly to Hell card for reasons they don't understand and that's not even the half of it. Don't tell me what to do with my life when you don't even know what the fuck you're doing with yours.

I'm happy to say the least. I have a boyfriend who loves me and who I love very much. I have a vehicle to get me places. I have a job and money. I have a mind of my own and an intelligent one to boot. Things are good. I can't complain. So please don't tell me how wrong I am for doing the things that I find to be stimulating to my being.

And in return, I won't tell you how to live your life. I'll only say to look a little wider than what you're letting yourself see right now.

That's all for now though. I have work in like 15 minutes so I'll ramble more later.

Paperweight

Been up all night staring at you
wondering what's on your mind
i've been this way with so many before
but this feels like the first time
you want the sunrise to go back to bed
i want to make you laugh
mess up my bed with me
kick off the covers i'm waiting
every word you say i think
i should write down
don't want to forget come daylight
happy to lay here
just happy to lbe here
i'm happy to know you
play me a song
your newest one
please leave your taste on my tongue
paperweight on my back
cover me like a blanket
mess up my bed with me
kick off the covers i'm waiting
every word you say i think
i should write down
don't want to forget come daylight
and no need to worry
that's wastin time
and no need to wonder
what's been on my mind
it's you
it's you
it's you
every word you say i think
i should write down
don't want to forget come daylight
and i give up
i let you win
you win cause i'm not counting
you made it back
to sleep again
wonder what you're dreaming...
Love is so funny sometimes.

It's the bounce

Well either way I think things are good for now. I may not have gotten what I want but it's okay. I'm being greedy and selfish and not really thinking about what people really want. Just kinda tired of not being able to get what I want but at the same time I don't wanna change who I am to get to that point. Oh well, I'm just making things harder for myself as usual.

Blind spot checks

I'm not sure what's going on. It's as if the world is trying to bombard me with stupid shit! Ha paranoia i'm sure. Did I mention i'm no longer jobless? Indeed. So I make sandwiches now and deliver them too. Oooo. But it comes at a price of course. I'm now in debt to someone for getting me the job and although I know how i could repay it, I feel like it's gonna get me into trouble down the line. Manipulation is wonderful sometimes but it's a complicated process lol. I mean i'm not saying i'm not grateful for the job or anything. It's just like why do I now have to do something that has other ulterior motives hidden behind what's being asked of me. But I can't just do nothing cause then I get nothing out of it either. Ah but that's just my brain acting on impulse. I don't want anything to be honest, but it'd be nice. Or maybe i'm just underestimating my control on the situation! Yes. I can make this work. It's the sway in the voice that carries the winds to their destination. Hmm.

I think i'll stay passive through all this until I figure out something a bit more permanent. In the mean time everyone can have their fun since it's what they want.

Outside/Inside and vice versa

So where was I? I really feel like I've been losing myself more and more. I feel no positive attachments to anything at all. Like I'm losing my grip on the things that matter. I mean not in a stupid way like 'I don't give a shit about my family' kinda way, but more like I just don't know what my mind is trying to tell me. I also feel like I'm being used. That or I also feel like I can't stand up for myself if need be. I'm failing miserably. And not even by any means of how society labels failure, just how I see it in my own mind.

Which leads to my current thought process. It's like an uninterrupted flow of self-awareness mixed with massive anxiety. I can't even begin to describe how much I dislike people. I stopped myself just now from putting hate instead of dislike. I don't like that I use the word hate so much. I think it's what makes me have that very extreme outlook on people because I use it so often. But anyway, yeah the awareness/anxiety. It's a bitch! I've been starting to seriously wonder if I could have a slight form of bi-polar disorder.

I can't seem to focus properly and I don't even see it as my own fault. I'll use the metaphor of a free bird being kept in a cage. In the wild the bird is able to be who it is and fly free among the rest of the animals. Though capture one and put it in a cage and suddenly it feels that it can't be what it is anymore. Nothing physically has changed about the bird, but it knows there's been a change. I feel the same way. Around my family I feel like I can do what I always do. I can act like a retard and it's ok. But you get me with my friends and I'm nothing like I am at home. I get all weird and mindful of what's going on around me. What's funny is it's not even all of my friends who I feel that way with. And I just don't want to sound like a retard all the time is the thing. Why don't I talk about things that I care about? Because nobody around me cares about it.

I know exactly what I need to fix it too. Above all else there is one thing that immediately changes all the wrongs and makes them right. It's almost funny. The simplicity in it yet still very complex and confusing. Cliche: Eyes are the gateways to the soul. Now I kind of take a simpler look at it and just feel that it gives a sort of healing effect. I hate people looking at me and yet it's the one thing I want more than anything. Not just anybody though. You have to have that look in your eyes that says everything and nothing at the same time. That look that you fall into because you can't help it and can't get out of because you don't want to.

Past two nights I've had some really great dreams. Genuinely happy dreams. The kind that make you never want to wake up again. Where you wake up and feel the weight of the world suddenly slamming you back into reality, slapping you across the face and saying 'ha you suck...good morning!'. Where you try for almost an hour trying to fall back asleep so you can get one more moment. Just one more small fragment of that smile that would make you complete if only for that moment. Like is it even possible to even try to make someone understand? Nobody sees things like I do. Ever. Quite possibly could be the reason for my detachment with some friends.

Here's another. Old co-worker of mine finding herself in bad situations with husbands. Them taking advantage and treating her like shit and she doesn't do anything about it but suppress her feelings while very noticeably looks like she's falling apart at the seams because of it. Goes as far as even blaming herself for the problems that her husband brings her. I would hate to be her age and having to deal with humans in that sense of it. Fuck..that. Makes you wish certain things weren't illegal to do. Sadly it's a fact she isn't the only one having to deal with that either. So not only is it never a guarantee that love will ever work out be you straight or gay, but even if it does work out chances are most people never find it truly meaningful. That it's just something to be thrown around like the word hate or love. Or even that down the line one or the other may just leave for various reasons be it to cheat, to run away from problems, or to run towards more problems (ie. heavy drugs and what not). Doomed to live without that which fuels life.

Now here's the kicker. I know most people don't realize how bad it is to be gay sometimes. And not in the way that straight people think of it. Like the first thing people think about is the gay butt sex and all that and that's what they think is the bad thing about being gay. Like the physical nature of it or something and how immoral they think it is. But what I mean by how bad it is is just look at the different societies. Straight and gay. When you have the whole world telling you one thing and you live in your little world where your mind tells you otherwise, who do you believe? Your mind of course. Because how else do you find yourself if you group yourself with the rest of them who follow the flow of 'how things should be just because'. So there you are, gay and alone. Ok. Now what? Well let's try to find love and happiness, cause that just seems like the next obvious step. Hmm ok so what do we have to choose from. Well you have the super gay flaming guys who think they're hot shit because they wear the latest fashions, don't give a shit about haters, and constantly bad mouth those who aren't them. Yeah I'll pass, thanks. So who does that leave? Not a whole lot really.

I mean people come in all shapes and colors and the gay meter fluctuates up or down depending on the person, but what does it all come down to in the end? Being the hottest, sexiest piece of meat on the market so you can get all kinds of great sex from people who you don't give a shit about because it's all about how it makes you feel. Oh so like my ex-boyfriend right? Both of them actually, because one just used me for sex and the other cheated on me by having sex with someone else. So how is that supposed to make a gay boy feel? Pretty fucking alone I'll tell ya. So the question is why bother? It's very clear if you do a little observing who you would want to associate with or not. Being that I am one of those observers, I don't see anything worth while out there. And yet I see them all around me. The ones who would be worth it but would hate you if they knew that. It's not like the movies at all really. Though I guess nothing ever is.

Where are you? Honestly and truly. Where the fuck are you? I feel like every day that I'm not with you, I'm growing further apart from you. Until one day there won't be anything to go back to. And yet all you can do is take on the guise of man over and over and try to give small amounts of comfort when it's deemed proper. Punishment. Almost torture. It's like being hungry and staring at food in a farmers market type thing but not having any money to buy anything. I'm the poor hungry fuck who only wants a taste of the good life. And just like in real life there are people who squander what they have because they don't care enough to appreciate what they have or could have. But of course, the grass is always greener.

I don't remember when I started this post and I'm not even sure what I want to do with it yet. Whether to post it for everyone to see or just leave it for my own eyes. To be honest if you were to read this a couple times over, you would probably find a bunch of contradictions or even things that make me look hypocritical. So be it. This is my mind just vomiting. It's not all supposed to make sense. I bitch too much I think. Yeah.

Concentrate

I had another dream last night. The second in god knows how long. Nothing like the first, but just as much of a mindfuck. Sometimes though I do wish the dreams wouldn't end. To go on forever in a constant daze of not knowing what's real or fake. But then my mind would take advantage of me and beat me senseless until I couldn't cry anymore. Sometimes though do I wish the crying would start before I woke up. Then at least I would know what to feel when I really did wake up. Instead I feel very distant from even myself because who knows what it is I'm trying to tell myself. I wonder what it's really like to sleep.

Bukowski

Well see what you wanna see. You should see it all.
Well take what you want from me. You deserve it all.
Nine times out of ten our hearts just get dissolved.
Well I want a better place or just a better way to fall.

1

I dont know whats wrong with me. i have great friends, mostly good co-workers, money, a car, people think im cool i guess, and my family is cool even though theyre way too straightedge for me sometimes. so why in the hell cant i shake this feeling. things are great. but i wake up everyday and feel exactly the same. emotionless exterior, emotional bombshell interior. but of course this isnt something to talk about in everyday conversations, oh no. who gives a rats ass. i learned that too long ago. you help others, not the other way around. dont give me none of that lovey dovey bullshit 'oh im sorry blah blah i love you *hugs* ' 'i wish i could help but i cant' fucking shit. no reason to bring it up if nothings going to be done about it or even really cared about right? hence the quiet persona i give off.

so why do i write it here? well, this isnt really like talking to anyone. i mean i can have the conversation in my mind as im speaking like as if im talking to myself, but its not like im face to face with someone trying to explain everything. i guess thats the nice thing about journaling even if this is one big society of 'ooo comment me and love me forever' type bullshit. fuck it, im writing from my mind and from my heart because there's no reason to talk to actual people.

well basically im depressed mostly, if you havnt guessed, and it just wont go away. its been bothering me for at least 2 weeks now. which is strange cause this hasnt happened for almost a year. maybe i just need a good cry or something. gotta let it all out. but its so difficult because its not as simple as that or i would have done that 2 weeks ago. and its not like this is even caused by something that happened to me, it just kinda sprang up on me. its fucking shit up and i hate it. i cant talk right, i cant think straight, im more lazy at work than i have been, i just suck at everything right now. and it bothers me because i dont want to be that emotionless robot that i build up to keep everything in. but i have no outlet nor anyone to hold me and tell me its ok. but who needs that right? not me, of course not, because im the strong silent type right?

Words to get lost in

And although the words they speak may or may not be true, it makes no difference to my mind. Fake, fickle emotions bound through flesh and bone. This isn't an existence worth much. Nothing comes through silent screaming but that feels about right. Look around you and tell me you don't see it. It's in the people you don't think twice about. It's in the people who serve you food, drive your car, smile at you even when you don't notice. It's in the people who you don't give a shit about. Remind me to scream for real so people might pay attention next time. Seems like the only way to get anyone to look. This is by no means anything real or true, just another observation from the mind of one who doesn't know how to handle itself. I'm tired of listening. Just tired is all. And sober, not to mention sober of course. It's almost unbearable sometimes, not the being sober part but the other thing.

This is what my fortune cookie said:

'And the evil that was once vanquished shall rise anew. Wrapped in the guise of man shall he walk amongst the innocent, and terror shall consume they that dwell upon the earth. The skies shall rain fire and the seas will become as blood. The righteous shall fall before the wicked and all creation shall tremble before the burning standards of hell.'

Hmm, or maybe that was in the bible, but who reads that thing anyways? Simply more words to get lost in.

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